Do you ever have days where you just want to quit everything?  I had one of those recently.  I actually told my roommate that I wanted to quit life.  I know...a little overdramatic, but would you expect anything less from me? :)

I've just been feeling a little stuck in more areas than one lately.  It's like I've hit a plateau in certain situations and just can't seem to gain ground.  I'll give you a few examples:

Job hunt:  It's the middle of July and I still haven't secured a summer job yet.  I've applied at tons of places around town, even to places that aren't hiring and haven't heard a peep back from anyone.  I've had 2 job interviews from places that basically offer me a job in the interview, and then they don't call back.  I feel like I'm getting nowhere.

Shiloh Designs:  This is the new business I've started selling some of my crafty items that I hand make.  I've started spinning my own wool from the sheep and goats and am doing custom made hats, scarves, mittens, hair accessories, and creating jewelry and all kinds of other fun stuff.  I've put myself out there a bit, with a little bit of good feedback, but have not even gotten to a place where I'm in the profit margin yet.  I'm just starting an Etsy.com website to sell my designs online...but there's a bit of fear within me that things will just sit there and not be sold.  Not the most optimistic viewpoint...but I'm being honest here.

AIM Support Status:  If I continue to be really honest, this has been one of my biggest areas of struggle lately.  I find myself in about an $800 deficit in my support account with AIM.  I'm continuing to work from home doing World Race Admissions (which I LOVE!), but not meeting my support goals has been super discouraging.  Now, here's the part where I'll continue to be real.  This is my own fault.  I haven't been focusing my efforts on support raising.  I just don't want to.  If there's anything I want to quit, it would have to be support raising.  There's nothing in me that likes to talk to people about making a decision to support me monthly.  I've avoided it and it's gotten me in a hole.  The only thing you can do when you're in a hole is climb out right?  Haven't I heard that somewhere before?

And this is why I can't quit.  I wasn't made to live in a hole.  I wasn't born to plateau for the rest of my life.  I'm not one to give into the fear of the unknown...even in endeavors that seem daunting or things that I have to put myself out there for.  This is a season that I must press through to receive a breakthrough because I believe and trust that God has promised it and won't leave me hanging or sitting at the bottom of a hole.  He wants me to succeed and he's designed me to be able to work with him.  So I'm choosing to do my part.  Even though it's icky and I hate it all right now. 

(Is that ok?  I feel like such a crappy missionary admitting this stuff on my oh so public blog.  Hello, my name is Amanda Dums and I hate support raising!  There.  I said it.)

Just yesterday I was chatting with my roommates over dinner about what motivates people and realized that I am motivated by connection.  I value relationships with people and I always want to steward them well.  I don't want to come across as a beggar or put people at an inconvenience or awkward obligation to me.  I think that's why I enjoy writing newsletters.  I can tell people about my situation without really directly asking.  I think my inward hope is that since I came part of the way by writing the letter, people would come the other half of the way and meet me there.  But this really isn't fair of me.  I'm creating unrealistic expectations for people and that's not valuing them.  (gosh, I'm learning a lot!)  I really am sorry if any of you have felt under-valued or not stewarded well by me.

I still find myself about $450/month short of my goal and have 3 months to raise this amount before I loose my paycheck with AIM.  I'm not driven by goals though, I'm driven by connections. I actually signed up for a support raising class online through AIM that will give me tools to be effective in connecting with people and growing my support team.  I'm really looking forward to it actually-I think I really need some new tools and help getting moving again.

This next season for me is going to be focused on moving ahead...climbing out of holes...establishing a precedent...gaining profit in my business...connecting on a deeper level in all areas of my life.  I'm not going to quit.

In fact, I've put aside some time this week to post my stuff on Etsy.com and I'm booked for a booth at the local farmer's market next Tuesday.  I'm hopeful and feeling confident about that. I know God's going to provide enough for me to live on and to pay for my 2^nd year of Bethel School of Ministry.  He's called me here for a reason and I won't give up this easily.  I will have my tuition on the first day of school.  My business will be successful and a blessing to others.  I will put my heart into support raising.  I will partner with God and do my part. 

Hope really is good medicine.  A favorite quote from our pastor Bill Johnson here in Redding:  "Discouragement is just a waste of time."  Amen.  No more wasted time, I'm filling my days with hope!  Have your days been filled with hope lately?  I'd love to hear about it!

*pictures are from my little booth last week.  Enjoy!  If you like anything you see, let me know and it can be yours! :)

I think this is a fact: Everyone loves to be invited. Whether it's to a party or an outing, a basketball game or just hanging out, even the way someone treats you when you're in their presence speaks to the level of invitation they are extending. We love knowing that someone wants us to be with them. It just feels good.

I love inviting people over to our house. To me there's nothing like being hospitable or hosting a party. The goal in this is creating comfort for whoever is over. You know that 'I belong here' feeling where you can be somewhere or with someone and it just feels good? There doesn't have to be an agenda or entertainment, but being together just seems right and nice? I love that and I crave relationships like this-ones that move beyond invitation and into a knowing intimacy. 

Since it's the last week of school at BSSM, one of our teachers, Kris Vallotton, encouraged us in attaining our dreams and walking into our destiny by knowing who is inside of us. He said: 

It never really was my intention to let it lie dormant for so long, but I guess time gets the best of you and priorities get shifted. In all honesty, I liked the freedom of NOT writing. It's as if I had placed a burden on myself that I ‘should' update and write more often. Not that I was the most consistent blog writer before, but when I wrote it was to inform, intrigue, inspire and sometimes even entertain you. The only drawback was that I think I stopped short of inviting you...and that's what I want to remedy on this go round. 

Now before you get all concerned and think that I've cocooned and become some crazy socially awkward misfit out here in Cali, let me explain. I have a lot of friends. Most of you reading this blog I would probably consider a friend, but I wonder how much you really know me. Do you know my heart?

I can easily answer that for you:   No. You don't. Because I haven't really let you in.

Sorry about that.

I let you in deep enough to know me pretty well, but in reality, there's so much more to me that you don't know. And that's a bit scary...at least for me.

Because now I have a choice to make. Do I let you in or continue to keep you at a distance? Will my silence be a shield around my heart or will I take one step closer and see what happens? 

Decisions...Decisions...

I hope you can already tell that the decision I've made has accounted for the shift in my motive for blogging once again. I want to let you in. I want this blog to be about an invitation...an invitation into RELATIONSHIP with me.

Part of a relationship involves a Response from you. I've often pondered putting up a blog this past year, but wondered who would benefit from it...who would care...what is the point?

I've come to the conclusion that the point is Relationship. It's what I want out of this blog. I want it to be a place of connection and so I'll need your comments and encouragement to continue in this venture. I actually really like writing and want to share some tidbits about life with you, but I'm just not into throwing my random thoughts out into cyberland for my own benefit. This isn't blog therapy for me. This is connection time and I need you.

I've also recently learned that I'm not really good at asking for what I need, so writing this blog is a huge Risk for me. Even riskier than praying for this blind lady, if you can imagine that! If I can take risks in praying for people and see God show up, surely I can take risks to grow deeper in relationship with you! 

Here's what I need: (deep breath)

• I need to know you're out there. Did you read this blog? Will you comment just so I know I'm not writing to a brick wall?
  
• I need your encouragement. Have you seen something in me that is commendable and good? What are those things? Will you share them with me?
  
• I need to know what you want. If you're visiting this blog, you most likely know me in ‘real life'. How can we strengthen our relationship? What do you need? If I don't yet know you-welcome! I'm glad you're here! I always like making new friends! What do you want to hear about on this blog in the future? How can I serve you? 
  

This girl is important to me. You'll notice that in the video above I say that she gives great hugs...and that hugs are important to me-I think I need to expound on this a bit...

 

We have this interesting relationship, Toya and I. She says I'm the one that always makes her cry, and interestingly enough, she does the same to me. There's a heart connect and a God given love for each other that we share. We've walked through some tough stuff in only a few short months, and I know it's not over. We've had too many times of pressing in to this financial issue together to walk away in defeat. 

I know that Toya is called to be here.

I'm looking to God for provision and I'm asking you to pray for my sister. Exciting times are ahead for her. In just the short time she's been with us in ComLife, Toya's learned that she's defined by her identity in Christ and not the role she plays. She used to be an Event Planner and rubbed elbows with all kinds of hoity-toities with money. Now that she's pursuing God's calling, she's finding that the value she found in her job is wasting away. But lets be clear-this exuberant, loving, kind, creative, and hospitable woman IS valuable and we need her...just like she needs us. ...just like we need you.

The way the word ‘community' gets tossed around these days it is portrayed as an almost romantic and idyllic way of life. As if living together with other people in ‘intentional community,' will solve all of your problems and bring peace and purpose to your life. Community seems to be the ticket to life's woes in so many people's eyes. It's funny though, how truly unromantic community really is.

 

I have a love/hate relationship with the honeymoon stage of community. It's the first few weeks or months of a group of people living together.   To anyone who's had a college roommate or started a marriage can probably attest to this stage. Everything seems rosy, you try really hard not to get in anyone's way, you're extra careful with your words, you don't leave your stuff out around the house because you want to respect the common living space, you avoid conflict at all costs for the sake of keeping the peace. Everyone is super nice....and it's all a cute little cover up. 

This is not how real people live.

Around month two some things start to slip. You realize that it's a lot of work to walk on eggshells and you notice that so-and-so kind of annoys you sometimes, you try not to mention anything, but slowly it gets harder and harder. You, yourself slowly start to leave your junk around more and more even though you have a hunch that it might get on someone else's nerves. You brush it off though, because you know what?? 

You're tired of putting on a show.

And here's where community looses its luster and things get interesting. People hit the wall and show their true colors and things get messy. I can laugh about it now because I've been through it. I've walked through the mess and had to deal with it in other community situations. It's happened in our little ComLife crew too. ‘The wall' is the test of true community. You've got two options at this point. Either you press into some hard conversations, otherwise known as confrontation (gasp! Not that word!!), or you choose the path of least resistance and community is over. 

 

People always want the good stuff, you know, the real DEEP relationships...the kind where people know you. Like that show Cheers where everyone knows your name, but more than just knowing your name they know your heart, and if we're honest, that's what we really want. Deep down we want people to know us. We want people to know what we're passionate about. We want to be able to let out what's on the inside. True, we want to let out the good stuff, but what we really want to know is whether or not we can let some of the bad stuff out too.

Will people be able to handle me? Am I too much?

Some of the things going on inside me are not so nice-what will people think of me if I let this out? I'm tired of putting on a show...I want authenticity and genuine relationships, but we'll never get there until we really KNOW each other. And that's scary. It's scary letting that person out that's on the inside. It's hard to trust people to handle our insecurities, our fears, our emotions, our passions, our desires, our hurts, our ideas, our longings.

 

It comes down to RISK. Everyone can make it through the honeymoon stage and most people make it far enough to hit the wall. These are both pretty inevitable stages of building authentic community. Getting past the wall is the hardest part and, like I said, it's the deciding factor on whether or not you have true authenticity and true community. If no one's willing to risk sharing who they really are, everyone will live in oblivion and surface level relationships will continue to prevail.

No one's looking for surface level anything these days. Community wouldn't be a buzz word right now if we weren't searching for something deeper, something that would quell the desire we have to be known. 

I think the only way we can be truly known is if we're willing to take a risk.

The community I'm in right now is at this vital stage. Are we willing to take some risks? Are you willing to take some risks in your relationships with others? What would happen if you risked honesty and didn't shy away from confrontation? My next blog is a story from our ComLife community about a risk we took. I hope it spurs you on to take some risks too.

...I know this is growing us all so I can't despise the circumstance...but I am...just like my place in this house-sometimes I've questioned my place here and WHY I'm even doing ComLife, let alone leading it. Sometimes it's just hard to invest. Truth spoken though and lies cast aside, I'm glad to be in the position I'm in. 
Thanks Jesus.

 

Me: What are you calling me to here Lord?

God: ...to love others above yourself.

Me: How do I do that Lord? I feel so incapable and so selfish these days. Will you help me to not focus so much on my own needs? I need to see beyond me. I'm feeling a twinge narcissistic. I want to embody love-to truly shower others with your love. Teach me this Lord. Thank you for loving me so that I can love others. Because you first loved me right?

We loved because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

                                                                                    1 John 4: 19-21

10-11-08

...A little bit of journaling time and unfortunately I still have to share space with the clickity clacking of the computer...(sigh)...community... (back up to lesson #2...oops)

Lord, I need some help. I feel a bit like I'm dying here. Like I am stuck under water and can't breathe. I need to hear your voice. Will you help me sort through the mess?

You are surely refining me in the midst of living in this house and through ComLife. God, what do you want to show me here? I want to live with a posture to grow and change, but I feel like I really haven't been all that receptive to changing MY mind. I want others to somehow change and begin to ‘get excited' for and get behind my vision for ComLife. We all have our expectations and feel like everyone else just needs to get on board with it. 

I need to repent for making judgments and placing unreal expectations on others. This is not my place and it is poor leadership. God, I need your help to be a quality leader. Would you teach me and give me what it takes to lead effectively? I don't want to just check out, but feel so close to that edge sometimes. I know I can't live without vision. Will you give me wisdom and grace in this Lord? I so desperately need it.

Lesson #3: Our expectations need to die. We get to a place of judgment because of the expectations we place on ourselves and others. If we had no expectations, I think we'd jump to fewer conclusions about our brothers and sisters and walk more in love, which is the point right?